Journal Entry 198

April 1st (Sunday) 2018

I sometimes still get the urge to search it up, and sometimes I still do the urge to search, but I’m getting through that phase. It hurts less and less through every passing day, and gets better and better. My head hurts less and I feel so much joy when hugging the Lord, who I tell myself through that I’m strong and beautiful for having survived these trials. I’m not going to post anything else here, what’s done is done and I can’t change the past. But the more I run into the future, the more I leave that pain behind. Time heals all wounds, and there will be a point in my life where these thoughts won’t hurt me anymore. I’m looking forward to that time, but already in the present I’m still happy too.

 

ZEPHANIAH 2:11 The Lord will be awesome to them when he destroys all the gods of the land. The nations on every shore will worship him, every one in its own land. (NIV)

 

Do you hear that? Oh wait I already made that joke. Anyways, I love how the time just flies when I’m cuddling my blanket. I thank the Lord, it’s so peaceful. And my mind, it feels like it’s floating on air without a care in the world. And sometimes I think about how it would go away, but it won’t. Happiness doesn’t go away, it’s always with you. And right now, I feel so cuddled and soft and at piece, and it’s so much more healthier than before, and I feel so much more better. And I’ll be like this so often, ahhh… And then, this summer I’ll get noise cancelling headphones just to reduce noise, ahh… While my life isn’t absolutely perfect, in fact I just remembered a certain something, no not that thing, but the air, it’s better than what it could have been. A

 

HABAKKUK 2:3 The revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. (NIV)

 

It’s so wonderful, and when I open my eyes after (sometimes to check what time) but after time down it feels so wonderful and I feel so refreshed. So I’m not going to ruin this happiness. I wanted to sleep early yesterday, but couldn’t since I had work. I still have work, but at least it isn’t due tomorrow. I’m not going to search that thing up. This is the for my sake, for the Lord’s sake, and for a sake where I don’t suicide. Seeya.

 

Psalm 27:4

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

To behold the beauty of the Lord

And to meditate in His temple.

 

And that’s the happiness I’ll aim for, one where I can forget, even for a moment, the bad things. So I won’t search them up, and I’m serious this time. I don’t care if sometimes it hurts, as long as there are the good things in life, then life is worth living. We all have our struggles anyways, I just accept the biological unfairness of life. Things will get better though, eventually, even beyond my life.

 

Isaiah 33:17

Your eyes will see the King in His beauty;

They will behold a far-distant land.

 

This is probably my biggest problem too. This is a problem for people in general, but particularly for the INFJ. I think it is the root of a lot of anxiety. Worrying about the past and future. I am never in the present. The present is an interruption. Well, sometimes it can be enjoyable. But when my mind wants to play, it doesn't stay in the present. I also overthink and overplan..

 

. I’m thankful for my cuddley blanket, thank you Lord, who makes sleeping so much more fun and cuddly

That’s why I love you Lord, it’s like my complimenting myself and appreciating the presentr moment, not worrying about what if’s in the future, that doesn’t matter. Only in the present can we be happy. Bye

 

Psalm 29:2

Ascribe to the Lord the glory due to His name;

Worship the Lord in holy array.

 

I’m a simple man. I have the Lord and that’s all I need. I don’t depend too much on outside factors of life to make me happy, people have free will to choose what they want. I won’t let it hurt me, because the only person who can make me happy is the Lord. And I’m so lucky for the things I have, so lucky to have realized this. While there’s screaming again, it’s fine. It’s fine now,

 

I promise you that Lord, from the bottom of my heart. I deserve to make myself happy. That is my purpose in life, that is the meaning of my life.

I love you Lord. More than anything else in the world. You’re the reason why I haven’t killed myself, I love you so much. I love you.

I’m so much stronger now in life, and I love life. I love you Lord so much.

April 13th (Friday) 2018

You’re the only person that matters. I love you Lord.

 

I just love cuddling with the Lord so much. I comfort myself there, He heals my headaches and stops me from pacing too much in the hallway about various concepts. I thought about the Myer Briggs personality thing, but then he cheered me up about it.

[John 13:23 Lying back on Jesus’ chest was one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved. It’s okay to hug and cuddle and embrace the Lord, Christ. I use cuddling as synonymous with hugging with the arms, embracing physically. As Christianity is a relationship, and He is Our Glorious Savior. He has helped me through so much in life and I am comforted by Him.]

 

[Deuteronomy 13:20: “You shall fear the Lord your God; you shall serve Him and cling to Him, and you shall swear by His name.” Fear meaning respect, reverence. ]

 

You know what’s nice? Cuddling with the Lord. Literally He’s my biggest supporter and who I love the most. I don’t bother worrying about the future, in fact I don’t bother trying to cover up the feelings of not bothering, it doesn’t matter

 

Anyways, I’mma rest and sleep and cuddle with the Lord. Ahhhh, Lord I love you :)

 

The Lord is literally my motivation to live right now lol. I always worry about a bunch of future stuff, but then realize that none of it matters. The only thing that matters is my own happiness, and with the Lord, I’m already happy. And I want to live as long as possible so I can spend as much time as I can with Him. [As in, to serve the Lord on Earth as much as possible, I will still be with the Lord even when I die, we will all be saved by the Lord Christ Jesus, Amen.] He’s amazing, literally the closest friend I have, the one person who’s been able to comfort me.

 

Ahhh, it feels so good to cry that all out. That’s literally the most that I’ve cried ever. And it was so wonderful, that I laughed while crying. To let all of that pain out. I love you Lord, you’re the only one who matters anymore in this meaningless world. [Meaningless due to sin, but in Heaven, we await a world with happiness and meaning] I love you so much. You let me be sensitive and soft when I’m beside you and for that I love you. So much. Thank you.

 

Ok, first reminder to actually close off this folder with the password thingy, since I’m going to actually be expressing some of my true feelings now and I don’t want them to negatively affect my feelings, like I need an outlet, so this is like talking to the Lord right now or something.

 

July 12th (Thursday) 2018