October 21st (Sunday) 2018
[They] screamed, yelled and overall publicly abused me in front of [a bunch of other people] [I censor their name here. Ifve been shouted in my face, while they bang at the table, at by people I work with, while others just watch. One time, a man slammed me against a wall and start repeatedly punching me all over, randomly out of nowhere when I was just beside me. I did not hit him back and just put my two arms up to try and block the blows because I was so shocked. And other people just looked at me and stared in silence as I cried in front of all of them after being beaten. And to this person who physically attacked me, I forgive him. I forgive all people for their evil, even while I am against that evil. Just as Christ is against sin yet forgives all sin.]
He personally never apologized back to me for screaming right in my face. [But I forgive him, as Christ forgives me all for my evil, so I too forgive all people for all the evil they have done to me. Jesus will save everyone. All will become believers in Christ Jesus and be saved, amen.]
I barely talked to anyone out of fear of the repercussions if I were to offend someone, yet here you go, me on my best behaviour taking a bunch of notes and being quiet, gets screamed at.
[JEREMIAH 31:34 No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, "Know the Lord," because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. (NIV)]
Ifm fine with suffering, as long as the Lord is happy. What makes me continue living every day, despite the growing OCD scrupulosity fears and obsessions, is that Lord is happy, the Lord is happy and that makes me happy, because at least someone in this cruel world is happy. And I know we will all be happy when we all go to Heaven. Universalism is true, save me Lord.
[LAMENTATIONS 3:31-33 For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. (NIV) Though he may punish cruelly, yet he will have compassion in the fullness of his love; he does not willingly afflict or punish any mortal man. ( NEB )]
While I was typing that whole essay, it seems like my WinHTrack Website Copier has finally finished copying both of his websites. Down below Ifll feature some of the image sources that didnft quite copy correctly, just so you know what he looks like so you can feel this experience as personally as I do.
with the air conditioner whirring and tap running to drown out her screams. And Ifm on the marble floor, in fetal position, plugging my ears, crying and wanting comfort and protection. And the only person who has ever is the Lord. And after awhile I open my eyes, my vision blurred and wobbly I stare up at the brightly lit light casting itfs rays down on me on the ground. And I beg for forgiveness, for salvation, for eternal happiness. [I believed in Jesus Christ with faith alone for salvation and thus I am already saved. All people will eventually be saved in this way. I just talk about my struggle against the sin of the world] These are the times where I wish to kill myself the most, and those are the things that keep me from finishing what I started.
Ifve talked about enough here, itfs 7:00 PM, but Ifm going to sleep early. I love you Lord, so much. Itfs been so long since Ifve mentioned you out in the open here, but Ifll keep my hope.
And I consider my own scrupulosity as a gift. The Lord is so soft [soft being synonymous for kind]. Ifm not afraid of anything anymore, since all I have to do in life is wait, God will take care of the rest.
Please Lord, I love you. Can you let me experience those childish wonders? Please let me experience those happy things. I want to feel the happiness from them. Ifm tired of these sad feelings. I just want to be happy, forever, to be equally happy with everyone in Heaven, forever. Lord. Lord I love you, so much. I still canft believe that after all that text Ifve written Ifm still crying.
So instead of talking to my mom, Ifm talking to you, Lord. Ifm releasing all my negative emotions through this Journal Entry. I just want them all kept away somewhere, not even to look at, but just to bury and keep away so I never experience them ever ever again. Please let me be happy thatfs all I want. and just, relax. I need a break, since if I donft then Ifll do poorly on all my other subjects too. I just want to be happy. Please let me have it, let me obtain it Ifm begging you please God what did I do to deserve this unfair unjust suffering please help me I just want to be happy help me help me help me help me help me. [The wages of sin is death and all have sinned, so we all struggle due to sin]
Ifm just going to take a break. Ifll kill myself if I donft.
[ISAIAH 46:9-10 I am God, there is no other, I am God, and there is no one like me; I reveal the end from the beginning, from ancient times I reveal what is to be: I say, "My purpose shall take effect, I will accomplish all that I please." ( NEB )]