Journal Entry 338 – Age
August 20th (Monday) 2018
I imagine the Lord hugging me and telling me that everything’s going to be all right and that He’s my best friend and loves me, and that makes me cry. I don’t know if it’s joy or sadness, but it makes me feel better. And I think that’s the point here. I’m looking for a hope. Universalism (everyone goes to heaven), [Yes, I’m finally mentioning Christian Universalism by name! So you can see how I went from being saved by faith alone in Jesus Christ to then finding out the truth that everyone will be saved in the same way!]
[EZEKIEL 18:23 Have I any desire, says the Lord God, for the death of a wicked man? Will I not rather that he should mend his ways and live? ( NEB )]
It makes me feel hopeless. I see people talking about inositol and choline (Vitamin B basically), and hope that by the time I can work to get a bunch of money that I can get a bunch of money for maybe therapy or something to cure this, I just want to cure this and be happy. But I know that that’s already expecting too much. [As of writing this years later, I still haven’t taken any inositol and choline. Please see a medical professional before taking any medications and get their advice]
I try to see the benefit of all this, a “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”-esque type of thinking, but overall I feel the same. Sure, I’ve overcame a lot of struggles (as evidence by my prior Journal Entries), but does it really matter in the end? The difference isn’t my strength, the only difference is that more time has passed. I absolutely hate this creativity, because with it comes so many creative ways about how this world could function.
[As in, I hate the human heart, which has sin, but the Lord gives us a glorified body with a new heart free of sin]
*sigh* The only thing I can do is wait though. There’s so much things that I want to try, yet I can’t reach it because I don’t have the money for it. I feel like at this point history is repeating itself. I’ve talked about all of this in the past, and yet here it comes again. Will the torment ever end? Please.
[HOSEA 6:1 Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us and will heal us, he has struck us and he will bind up our wounds. ( NEB )]
I search up INFJ but I don’t even know if I want it to be true or not. It’s just an echo chamber of people constantly shouting things back and forth that contradict people so I can’t even take that seriously. Of course, I really only search up that personality type specifically because usually people talk about it in a very sensitive and empathetic matter
I search online and see people who act so cruelly against people who’ve been born with mental illness and who’ve had so much pain happen to them, and it’s horrible. I don’t even know what I’m trying to accomplish here, let alone with this Journal Entry. Oh yeah, constantly getting up from my desk. Heh, that actually gives me quite a bit of hope now, I’m glad I’ve been this opened and shared all of this. Just seeing all of this text makes me feel better already.
[JOEL 2:28, 3:21 And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people ... Their bloodguilt which I have not pardoned, I will pardon. (NIV)]
But it’s motivation for me to be successful, because after this there’s no where that my life can go but up. There’s only room for improvement and room for me to finally relax in life
hehehehe haahahahahahaaah HAHAHSAJHASHAHAHDHHAAHASHKDJLF
I’m not going to kill myself, I’m working hard to get enough money to live the rest of my days in peace and happiness.
, I will have my joy, I will have my eternal happiness and I will be sad no longer. [All people will have eternal happiness] And I will embrace the void of sadness and the fullness of happiness with open arms and I’ll be happy, I promise you Lord I will be happy and I won’t die I won’t die I won’t die I won’t die I won’t die I won’t die. [As in I will try not to do anything to hasten my death, like suicide. Of course, the wages of sin is death, but I can prevent my suicide by keeping the Lord by my side, the Holy Spirit keeps my body, which is a temple, safe from killing myself.]
Hopefully my ramblings will at least help someone out there. I plan on posting these as a book or something, just as a support guide for those who could be struggling with the same thing. I don’t care if people don’t even look at this book or even acknowledge it’s existence, just the fact that this exist is good enough for me.
[HABAKKUK 1:5 Loom ... and watch-and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told. (NIV)]
September 2nd (Sunday) 2018
I remember all the fun I had yesterday and how it made me forget about my condition and how much I hate [the sin of the world]
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