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2 Cor. 5:14 "Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for ALL, and therefore all died."

 

Journal Entry 93 – Tackle Tool

December 17^th (Sunday) 2017

today I relax.

While eating breakfast, I prepared some camomile tea which is apparently supposed to help you relax more that my mom bought to help me reduce my anxiety. While I didn’t feel anything then, the more I believe it works, the greater it’s working, like a placebo of sorts. Though, what’s been the greatest reduction of my stress is combatting this OCD scrupulosity and not thinking about the fears of Christianity despite faced with them.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/toby-nwazor/6-natural-tea-remedies-fo_b_10619928.html

Do you know how badly I want to search up…

Ø  Doubts about salvation

Ø  Christianity causing stress

Ø  Christian anxiety relief

Ø  Hell is not eternal torment

Ø  Evangelical fundamentalist Christianity sucks

Ø  Faith alone saves

Ø  Christian relaxation technique

Ø  How to meditate as a Christian

Ø  Etc etc etc

It’s tough, but I know if I search it up, I’ll succumb to my obsessions and it will be even tougher. I just want to be happy, and that can only be achieved by resisting the urges of Christianity. Christianity is not bad, it’s just that my OCD has made it out to be bad.

When telling my mom that the tea wasn’t really working that well, she told me that I had to believe in it.

And why should I? Who cares if I don’t get any rewards in Heaven, how could I have possibly known how to obtain them if God wasn’t more clear on it? I’d rather not risk using these high-pressure evangelism techniques, because they can do more harm then good. It’s not worth the risk, besides, why should I trust the Internet? Has it comforted me when I doubted myself, did it help massage my feet when I couldn’t sleep at night, or answered me clearly when I had a question about stuff. No, it just showed other people’s opinions.

The Internet was like talking to a bipolar person. They’d say one thing and I’d agree with it, but then they’d show another thing and cause me stress because it’s pushing that thing just the same as the other thing.

That’s one of the problems with treating the Internet as a monolith, as just one whole thing, it’s not. It’s just another way, like literature or music or projects, to express a person’s own personal opinion. It doesn’t matter how much a person shows dedication to that cause, as sincerity only puts them at the ends of the spectrum. There either sincerely right or sincerely wrong. And I rather not gamble my life on something so subjective and supernatural. I’d rather stay in the middle and live an average life, just loving people, because really that’s the only sure fire thing that, no matter what religion it is, will earn you at least something. Yeah, I could do something specific like convert people and earn great rewards if I’m right, but if I’m wrong, then it would have been better if I had never done it in the first place, considering something worse will definitely fall on me. So really, love is the only option.

And it’s no wonder why so many people talk about love, secular and non-secular. It’s the only thing that’s truly worthwhile to do. I don’t mean saying a person’s actions is sinful or non sinful, I’m just talking about loving a person whether you see people as inherently sinful or not. Because that’s the only thing that would help in the end.

But who cares about the end, I’m still alive now. It’s only worthwhile to look into religion when you’re older, like my mom says. I’m in the present, not in the end, so I’ll enjoy the happiness I have right now. This community, it’s wonderful. And I’m not going to risk killing myself over this religious depression and insanity just for a tiny bit of rewards. Tiny bit of rewards extra? Yeah, like what, Jesus gives me a high-five or something? Oh wow I’m missing so much.

But for now, philosophy and subjective world view aside let’s talk about some fun exposition shall we?

Just realized I got carried away, so I’ll do the truth exposition.

Sure, I may have wasted about 40 minutes taking out Bible stuff, but it puts me at peace a little bit, that it’s all over. No more Bible channel subscriptions, or liking Christian videos or evangelism in comments section. Ok, it’s over.

It’s not worth it. I don’t care about rewards in Heaven for witnessing stressfully, I just don’t. Who cares. Stop.

This is what Jesus meant when He said that few should become teachers, you can’t be a good teacher if you’re making videos online. Screw it all, I’m done. I’m done. It’s over now.

…

I miss the times where I could live with ignorance of all this controversy…

I’m coming back to those times soon, as knowing I am saved, I don’t need to go back to this. For good.

…

I’m giving myself a dedicated time to study, not playing with the torment of having work looming over me.

I’m finishing this now.

Because, if I can survive the living hell of fundamentalism. The sheer terror of existentialism.

Surely, I can survive this. Because I have survived that which is out of existence and that which is out of living proportions, I can survive this. Because now I’m alive, I don’t want to kill myself, there’s so much to live for. This is the life that I’ve always wanted, not out of life, but right here.

…

It’s been here this whole time hasn’t it?

…

Guess when we’re looking to the future, we’re blinded from the present.

Because the present is the present of God, life now and life forever more.

…

I’m saved

And I’m ok.

…

I will be hap-

No

…

 

I am happy.