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Rev. 15:4 "ALL nations shall come and worship You, for your judgments have been made manifested."

 

Journal Entry 71 – Waiting on

November 25^th (Friday) 2017

Ok, for a second there I was worried. Ok, scratch that, my whole existence up to this point is nothing but worrying. Worrying why it’s so annoying to press keys on my keyboard. Why my mouse wheel keeps on sticking. Why I have to wait until this incompetent doctor comes back so I can get a referrel this time to go to a specialist “this time we’ll insist”. I actually have a good strategy for that hear me out.

Song: Please, we need this referrel.

Doc: If you don’t trust me with my diagnosis, you won’t trust a specialist with they’re diagnosis.

Song: I trust you with your diagnosis, that’s why I need your referrel.

*Surprised looked in the doctors eyes*

Song: I trust you when you say that I have anxiety. I trust you when you say that I am tense. I trust you when you say that this is all inside my head.

Song: I know that, but my mind doesn’t. It needs proof…

Gary: And going to this specialist might be the only proof that can work on it.

Doc: …

Song: But don’t trust me, don’t trust yourself. Trust in the me that trusts you.

Ok, anyways, why my elevation of worry was slightly increased for a second was that I was worried I would have to spend so much time typing on my journal entry tomorrow when I couldn’t do stuff today. Luckily, it’s 1:00 AM tomorrow (which is today), so I’m all good in typing this no lying like my beginnings how I would make stuff in advance lol.

Church, went there to play games.

First randomly sat at a table to watch people play Clue. Not to this church of course, but to some donation thing or whatnot. Idk, maybe this church qualifies for this donation, though it seems pretty well of when it’s adding a second wing to it).z

I don’t respond, because I don’t know what to say. Well, I do respond, just not in a way that’s understood, since I literally for the life of me can’t think of something like that right away, I need to pre-plan that stuff lol. (Which is why I’m so desaturated with humor sometimes, since I’ve seen it all before and see it to get used to it. At the price of being funny, my standards for humor is risen. I see other people laugh more than I do myself, and that’s including most of the time where I fake it with a quick breathe out of my nostrils, a “pfffttt” out of my mouth or a smile, can’t roll my eyes either nor whistle).

Btw, lol is literally the only thing that I can use to indicate joy, though I guess I could use the tongue-face ASCII every once in a while :P, at least Word doesn’t auto-turn that into an awful emoji (only useful in very rare circumstances btw).

At UNO, she says to rotate and I go to the Clue table

But Song, where does your confident stem from?

For me. I don’t care about embarassement or shame or public perception or reputation. I’ve got nothing to lose, I’ve already lost everything. I was born into my own situation with a depressive, pessimistic and melancholic view of the world and nothing that I do is going to change that. So why push it on others, it’s not going to help others. In fact, I find most of my happiness stems from them being happy because of my precense. It’s why I don’t want to kill myself, not for my own happiness, because being alive does not make me happy, but so that other people can be happy. In my mind, I always try to make it my goal to make at least every type of person laugh, and I’ve been able to handle a bunch of different personality types. gamer, social media teen, Asian, black people, muslims, jews, catholics, all of them.

I don’t remember the jokes exactly, but they were mostly hyperbole, I don’t care about race. :P

Though, I’m biased towards trusting women more, since my mom mostly took care of me (literally 95%) and my sister is literally one of my only best friends, though the Lord is balancing it out with His Fatherly presence, and finding out the my own father on earth is the only one that got it doctrinally correct (since he was resting in the eternal security of knowing that you are saved by faith alone in Jesus Christ. It’s literally everything I’ve ever wanted in a person!) [Faith alone saves and Jesus will save everyone]

Introverts don’t want to be alone, they want true community. Not fake small talk at games (though they serve a purpose, evangelism servanthood, and good socialising), but true comforting talk. My mom doesn’t have that with me, because she doesn’t like religion being into anything. There’s just me, and Lord, I don’t want to be alone. Though despite how my faith is alone, I’m never alone. Father, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit, you are all with my right now, the Godhead. I thank you all, for helping me come this far, for seeing how I shouldn’t kill myself and live another day. My thoughts of love to you, they fuel me not to beat myself up. Because I’m forgiven, even when I don’t forgive myself. I’m loved, even when I don’t love my body image. I’m trusted in my salvation, even when I doubt it. Because it’s not about me, it’s about you Father. Thank you Lord, so so much. Thank you Father. Amen.

Pastor waiting at church until 10:00

Kinda worried about salvation since I depend on it, though just my personality. Torture to be alive right now, but I will live on. Not for my happiness, or my parent’s happiness or my friend’s happiness, but for the Lord’s happiness. I want rewards in Heaven, even when the Devil is trying. I will persevere because God makes me persevere. Now, time to actually eat and stop browsing random articles (or the same repeated ones) on salvation.

Passover Lamb = Jesus Christ

I am saved, covered by the blood forever and forever avoiding destruction. No matter how much I worry, it’s not about what I do, it’s about what Jesus Christ did. Amen.

Now it’s 12:45, hopefully Church tomorrow isn’t too early, see ya. Just hope this whole Harold Samsong stuff won’t be tracked back to me, since I don’t want to lose my job. Though, they’ll never have proof. Plus, if that’s God’s will in my life, then so be it.