Romans 1:16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes

It's always good to spread the good news of Christ. In Jesus, we have no shame, and I will never stop speaking of this good news my friend. Because all people will be saved all people will believe in Christ through faith alone.

 

Journal Entry 69 – Marks

November 23rd (Thursday) 2017

Well what are the odds, the one time where something truly eventful (and actually worth having an official journal entry about)

Here’s the links so you can feel my anxiety and confusion… (also so all the time I spent searching them isn’t wasted lol). It’s quite mixed and I don’t want to deal with this now. Plus, Heaven is literally better than everything here on Earth, so there’s that to look forward to.

A woke up today with my soft blanket in my hands, it felt extra cuddly and soft today so I knew I would be in for a good day.

However, my eyes grew saddened at where the location was, the old doctor’s office. My mom had said that we would be going to a new doctor since the old doctor absolutely sucked. Though, she wasn’t lying. The old doctor retired and a new doctor took her place.

I got to the office and waited. Had to use a whole seat to put all of my jacket stuff. I then got mocked by my mom and then the receptionist for wanting to take my ski pants off.

When I got called, well, I do a dialogue thingy to help you understand it better.

Doc: So, what’s the problem?

Song: Well, for some reason, I’ve been having Shortness of Breath along with some sinus headaches and dry lips that keep on bleeding.

Doc: There’s nothing wrong with that, just put some Vaseline on your lips there just dry.

Mom: Yeah, but what about his breathing, he’s always gasping for air.

Doc: Oh, that, it’s probably just anxiety.

Doc: *Process to do random unrelated checkups like squishing thing on arm, thermometer and checking tongue with light thingy. Of course, since I was upset by this half-baked appointement (in which I literally expressed my concerns to towards the receptionist) I didn’t do what he said to a degree. He tells me to do deep breathes, nah I’ll do them purposely short and shallow so he can see how my breathing is when it’s at it’s worse.*

[Future note, 5 years later. I do not recommend what this doctor says, I am against their unsound advice in this situation. By the way, this doctor eventually got a law suit filed against them by one of their co-workers years later for misconduct and had to pay the co-worker a settlement in court. But I forgive this doctor for all they’ve done, even if it really hurt in the moment. I post this dialogue so you understand what I went through]

[Future note 2, still 5 years later. My mom also told me that I was diagnosed with asthma when I was born by a doctor, but even right now, I don’t have any treatment for it. So, that could also potentially be the cause for any shortness of breath I experience too]

Doc: Yeah, he’s breathing just fine, he’s tense.

Song: Then why is it so hard to breath?

Doc: Just get mommy to tell you to wear your scarf over your nose so you can breathe it better.

Doc: See, now he’s crying over a doctor’s appointement in front of his mommy.

Doc: You’re a man ok, you need to be tough.

Mom: Yeah, you need to be strong.

Song: Yeah, but my one nostril is disproportional in size to the other nostril (probably should have specified that, but I was in the moment. Plus this “doctor” is literally insulting me).

Doc: Listen to your mommy’s advice. You shouldn’t be checking your nose sizes or not, that’s a woman’s job. Besides, if it was disproportional what are we gonna do. If it was like cheeks, what do you want me to do, cut one of your cheeks down? Just want me to cut parts of your nostril off so they’re the same size for mommy?

Mom: Yeah, just do it

Doc: It’s really just anxiety. Just relax ok? Look at all the other people in the world. You live in Canada, have all of your body parts. You’re already good to go, who cares if somethings not right, none of us are perfect. Relative to “them” <motions to people outside> you’ve got nothing to worry about. Just calm down, it’s all in your head.

Song: Then what’s something specific I can do to relax myself?

Doc: *Pulls out a glass of water that’s 75% full*?

Doc: You see this. Tell me, what’s about it.

Mom: It’s a glass of water.

Doc: Yes, but how full is it?

Mom: Almost full.

Song: Ok I’ve seen this before already, this is just one of those things where if I respond half empty you’ll say I’m pessimistic and if I respond with half full you’ll say I’m optimistic.

Doc: Yes, which is why your mom is happier she’s optimistic.

Doc: Ok, now just leave with your mommy ok you’ve already wasted enough of my time. (I thought he was going to say that he wanted to help more of his patients, but he instead responded with this). This is my last day before going on vacation and I want it as less stressful as possible. If you want I can into more detail there with your mommy.

Song: Can you at least get me a referral to a person who can actually look at my nose more closely.

Doc: No! If you’re not going to trust me with my diagnosis, then how are you going to trust the diagnosis of a higher up specialist. It’s all in your head ok!?!?

Song: Fine, see ya.

Mom: Thank you Doctor <Name taken out for anti-doxxing purposes. Seriously, don’t hate on the guy we all make our mistakes, hate the sins, not the sinner>

But I’ll leave the Lord room to give out my vengeance. [God will have grace on all people] I feel sorry for the guy, he’s going to be in a world of hurt, especially since those “mommy” comments felt really degrading and I didn’t call him out on it. I forgive him though, he’s probably just actually stressed, like how we all get. Still, it means I shouldn’t be a burden to him and find a better doctor, knowing how there’s probably much MUCH better ones. Though, I’d get stressed too, that was the poor part of town.

Overall, healthcare here sucks. It’s free, but it’s amateur quality. It’s the equivalent of going online to receive a doctor’s diagnoses from WebMD.

But the story doesn’t end there. Oh no, the rabbit hole goes deeper. Here’s after the appointement and after putting on my ski pants.

Mom: See Song, it’s all in your head you just need to relax.

Mom: Hey, it was a knowledgeable experience

Song: Like what, that Facebook meme with that glass of water? If it was “knowledgeable” then how come I was able to predict it?

Mom: You should probably go to a psychologist and get all of your anxiety sorted out. You’re just stressed.

Mom: You just need to have faith ok?

Song: I have faith, just not in him.

Mom: Don’t bring the Church into this! Why does everything you do always have to be related to religion?

Song: I never mentioned anything about religion, just that I have faith in things, that’s not inherently religious. You’re just obsessing over every little word I say and thinking it all has some religious sense to it. (No wonder I’m so stressed all the time, ever since I preached the Gospel to my mom, she’s been obessing over me over religion, not even wanting to mention it. And you call yourself a Christian? [I say this kindly] I tell us that we should pray for something and you get more offended than an atheist? Saying that the Church should be only mentioned on Sunday? That I’m not mature enough to know what I’m saying?)

Um……

The screen just suddenly froze, and then turned black

Right as I was about to freshly bite into this apple I have

Does that mean…?

Oh no.

(I say that for dramatic effect)

(Though, since rewards in Heaven are not based on what we do, but the love we put into things, I’m trying to learn now to love people more. Because even if I say in my mind that I “forgive the person because we’re all sinners” or “love the sinner, hate the sin”, it doesn’t mean that mentally I’ve forgiven them. In fact, I try to say it to motivate me, like the “I will” action of Psalms (or is it Proverbs, probably some P-book). Hopefully, I’m not lying when I say it)

There, happy?

You wanted this whole thing more interesting, filled with less filler. More story archs? At the sake of my own trauma sure. Just know that you asked for this. That’s right you.

Ok, I’ll cut the meta out. It’s my fault. You know why? Because once God starts something, He doesn’t stop it. Take a look at this insightful post (not sponsored lol).

 

https://relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/i-was-suicidal-christian

I think Christians often make the mistake of over-spiritualizing depression and neglecting the very real physical needs of a person caught in depression’s grip, while non-Christians tend to focus too much on the physical aspects of this condition while neglecting spiritual health. But what if getting to the bottom of depression requires a body, mind and soul approach?

https://carm.org/devotion-are-you-saved

https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/will-some-people-in-heaven-have-more-joy-than-others

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-q-and-a/faith/christian-has-deep-doubts-about-their-salvation

We'd suggest that there may be at least two different dimensions to the struggles you're experiencing. First there's the spiritual or theological side. Then there's the psycho/physical. Both are real and both deserve to be taken into account. That's because you are a whole person, made up of body, soul, and spirit. Spiritual troubles can affect your mind and body. In the same way, physical illnesses and imbalances can upset your emotions. They can even touch off episodes of mental distress and spiritual depression. If you know where the source of the problem lies you'll be able to address it more effectively.

https://jdgreear.com/blog/2-ways-to-know-you-are-saved/

http://micahjmurray.com/to-the-christian-contemplating-suicide/

http://unlockingthebible.org/lifekey/rejoice-long-term-security/

(Don’t worry, the believe in eternal security of the believer I think)

http://unlockingthebible.org/2016/06/seven-truths-fight-anxiety-salvation/

Do you even notice how often in Scripture God has to reassure his people? He’s constantly saying things like, “Don’t be afraid, I am with you.” Variations of “don’t be afraid” are often cited as the most frequently repeated command in all of Scripture. God tells us over and over that we don’t need to be afraid or anxious, and yet we persist.

I have lately battled anxiety over spiritual security. Sure, I believe and I want to follow Jesus, but do I love him enough? Am I really following, or am I deceiving myself? Will God really save me? Does he really want to save people, or he kind of reluctant about the whole thing? What about those times when Jesus talks about the gate being narrow, and people being surprised when he says he never knew them? What if that happens?

Scripture does tell us to test whether we are in the faith, and to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. So there is a time to put serious thought into making sure we have truly repented and turned to Jesus, and making sure that our daily lives are keeping in step with him. But if you know that you are trusting him for your salvation, there is nothing in Scripture that suggests anxiety over salvation should have power over you. Rather it says we can approach the throne of grace with confidence. Confidence! We can have confidence that when we come to God for grace, he will grant it.

Those anxieties can be stubborn, though, so we need to remember what is true of God’s character in times when we are fearing that he will not have salvation for us or struggling to trust his promises. Here are seven truths from Scripture to hold tightly to in times of fear.

https://www.christianforums.com/threads/salvation-anxiety.7602959/

https://412teens.org/qna/if-I-doubt-my-salvation-am-I-still-saved.php

None of us will ever reach God's standard (Romans 3:23), but He has promised us that anyone who believes in Jesus Christ will be saved (John 3:16). The Creator of the universe died in our place, took the punishment we deserved, then came back to life. Once you have placed your faith in Christ by confessing that you are full of and in need of Him as your Savior, there is nothing that can separate you from him. Nothing. The apostle Paul went through great lengths to close any "loopholes" that people may think up when it comes to our salvation.

https://www.compellingtruth.org/doubt-salvation.html

 

As much as part of me wants to be prideful and think that my depression and anxiety is a type of “Paul’s Thorn”, I shouldn’t be keen on it. if it’s really my destiny to suffer a life of sadness, than not even seeing a Christian therapists of psychologist will help me. So, I’m planning on seeking some medical help, not just physical in terms of my deviated nasal septum, but mental as in my own sanity. At least I can use this as a good excuse to get my family members to stop shouting. I thank the Lord for helping me to be myself on these journal entries, a way to collage my findings so I can come back, see that I’ve had these salvation doubts before, and know for certain that what I’m going through is normal and that I am normal and saved. Thank you Lord, for loving me so much as to keep me safe and seeing a new side to my own father on Earth that makes me love him, despite his laziness. Apparently, my mom and sister and aunt are shopping at Best Buy over a Best Buy deal for a laptop that they got when we were at best buy before. Amen, not to the Black Weekend Best Buy thing, but to the Lord, for loving me so. Heaven truly will be the most happiest thing ever, and it’s nice seeing all these other Christians struggle, knowing I’m not the only one. Amen.

[5 years later, amen Lord]

John 6:37 - All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.

John 10:28 - And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any [man] pluck them out of my hand.

John 5:24 - Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Romans 11:29 - For the gifts and calling of God [are] without repentance.

Jude 1:24 - Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present [you] faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,

1 John 5:13 - These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God.

2 Corinthians 1:22 - Who hath also sealed us, and given the earnest of the Spirit in our hearts.

Romans 8:38-39 - For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,   (Read More...)

Ephesians 2:8 - For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: [it is] the gift of God:

Philippians 1:6 - Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ:

1 John 5:10-13 - He that believeth on the Son of God hath the witness in himself: he that believeth not God hath made him a liar; because he believeth not the record that God gave of his Son.   (Read More...)