Isaiah 57:16 "For I will not contend forever, Nor will I always be angry; For the spirit would fail before Me, And the souls which I have made."
Journal Entry 61 – Hard to Breathe
November 15th (Wednesday) 2017
Yesterday had talk with my mom about Christianity. She said that she didnft want to hear about it, since another person (Christian fanatic) already annoyed her by talking to her for 30 minutes about how he heard Jesus calling his name and what not. I donft know if thatfs true or not, but Ifll take it with a grain of salt.
Then at lunch, ketchup and mustard you should reeeallly try it.
Then I I I I I iiiiii
Ok, letfs get to the point.
I was searching up how to get my room more cleared up, since it gave me trouble breathing. I tried to ask one of my friends, but of course he didnft care, despite all the time I spend asking him stuff. All he did was joke about fixing the bottle of my water bottle because it wobbled so much all the time. Absolutely brilliant.
I wanted to noise cancel my door, found some good foams (black ones with patterns) that it seems like most Youtubers use, but I realized that Ifd have to have my door closed for that.
What I was reminded of though was my deviated nasal septum. Itfs where the wall in between your two nose nostrils is crooked, resulting in one of the airways being larger than the other and making it difficult to breathe.
I only just was reminded that I have it now because Ifve been breathing through just my nose now, because of that I literally yawned 5 times since it started, 3 of those in a row with a spacing of 2 minutes between each one. I prayed to God to give me the answer and to heal me with what the answer was. I got no answer.
I didnft even have time to study at school, I canft understand whatfs going on at school, I just want to kill myself. I want to kill myself of that things that I hate about myself, not me because God loves me, but my disability; my sin that God hates too. As a result of a fallen world I have SOB (Shortness of Breath) and other asthma like symptoms. At birth, my doctor even misdiagnosed me as having asthma, so Ifve had this since my birth. I didnft get sucker punched, ran over, drilled, stabbed or farted on any part of my nose to result in the damage it has now. There are 2 types of nose-job surgeries
Rhinoplasty – Surgery on the outside of the nose (Aestethic)
Septoplasty – Surgery on the inside of the nose (Non-aesthetic)
Sometimes they even change the appearance of the nose too, but I donft care about that I want to go to a physician and get this sorted out. At school, it was so bad that I wanted to diec more than usual. At home however, itfs relaxed a bit due to the warm, comfy, cozy and cuddly temperatures of downstairs (basement). I just worry that maybe my basement has mold because of my humidifier but I need my humidifier to breath. While people can see what can be fixed with them, they canft see what needs to be fixed with me.
Itfs why my mouth is constantly bleeding and is running red with dryness, despite the Vaseline and monumentous amounts of water that I drink (so much that in fact it even gives me a stomach ache sometimes). I want to see a physician and get this fixed, see if I can get through this.
I was feeling hopeful of DNS, until some people talked about not getting anything from it. Ifll have to check with a professional though, after this semester, because I want to see whether I truly have it or not. I just donft want to live my life like this. So you can understand my worry, let me post all the links that I was wasting my time worrying and browsing through instead of typing this that has been on the back of my mind for a while when I got home now.
Thatfs what really changed my mind. Ifm going for this though, just gotta ease it in when talking to my mom since I probably am annoying her with all my talk about religion and suicide and what not. Wish me luck, because I want to breathe that breath of life. At least this thorn in my flesh helps me appreciate the Lord even more and makes me look forward to even more Heaven. Thank you Lord, for being there for me without response, for I do not even need to respond to you to help me and you donft even need to respond to me to help you. I will win souls for you Lord Jesus Christ, for more rewards in Heaven. Amen.
Genesis 2:7, And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
Genesis 7:22, All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
Exodus 15:8, And with the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together, the floods stood upright as an heap, and the depths were congealed in the heart of the sea.
Numbers 11:20, But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you: because that ye have despised the LORD which is among you, and have wept before him, saying, Why came we forth out of Egypt?
2 Samuel 22:9, There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it.
2 Samuel 22:16, And the channels of the sea appeared, the foundations of the world were discovered, at the rebuking of the LORD, at the blast of the breath of his nostrils.
Job 4:9, By the blast of God they perish, and by the breath of his nostrils are they consumed.
Job 27:3, All the while my breath is in me, and the spirit of God is in my nostrils;
Job 39:20, Canst thou make him afraid as a grasshopper? the glory of his nostrils is terrible.
Job 41:20, Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron.
Psalms 18:8, There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it.
Psalms 18:15, Then the channels of waters were seen, and the foundations of the world were discovered at thy rebuke, O LORD, at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils.
Isaiah 2:22, Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?
Lamentations 4:20, The breath of our nostrils, the anointed of the LORD, was taken in their pits, of whom we said, Under his shadow we shall live among the heathen.
Amos 4:10, I have sent among you the pestilence after the manner of Egypt: your young men have I slain with the sword, and have taken away your horses; and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD.