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ISAIAH 1:25 I will thoroughly purge away your dross and remove all your impurities. (NIV)


Journal Entry 50 – Bumpy Road

November 4th (Saturday) 2017

Therefs no joy in my life, only pain and suffering.

Revelation 21:4 - And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

I thought I could go hang out with my family, be social instead of isolating myself downstairs in my room, slowly suffocating and trapped in my own loneliness. The only true friend I have is the Lord Jesus Christ, He is the only reason why I havenft killed myself yet. If it werenft be for Him, Ifd be six-feet under. Despite this, I thought I could make my family happy so that they can accept the message of the Gospel. I like to consider everything I do under the umbrella of evangelism, just so I donft beat up myself for wasting even a second of my time. For some reason, I fear that in Heaven Ifll forever grieve over the missed opurtunities that I had to show people the true Gospel of Christ and soulwin. It makes my heart heavy, but thatfs not what Heaven is; itfs light. [Therefore, Christ will forgive everything, there will be no shame over lost time or missed opportunities on Earth. Christ saves everyone, guaranteed.]

The first place we go to is Best Buy to buy some noise cancelling headphones (because I want to cancel out the constant screaming that happens in my house on a regular basis). I talk to this Bose Headphones guy and he says these things. Ifm too tired to put them in a sentence format, so Ifll just bullet point them here. Plus, add some interesting variety to this already long textc

·       Therefs no real range of decibel cancelling. Itfs more so cancelling out a pattern of noise waves with the opposite pattern of noise waves (learned that from physics. That pre calculus heavy course is what inspired me to get noise cancelling headphones in the first place).

·       Ex: On an airplane, you can cancel out the constant whirr of the engine, but not the compulsive screaming of an infant aboard. The waves need to be predicted because the counter wave to be sent out has to be processed before the actual wave is to be cancelled.

·       2 types of sounds, acoustic and something donft remember.

·       2 types of noise cancelling. One with attach to ear good for workouts. Other is over the ear

·       Itfs also $500 (lol)

·       Because of the fact that at any point my mom could lose her job, Ifll wait until I get a job when I spend money.

I will never be able to cancel out the pain and the screaming I here. The only thing I hope for is that I hold steadfast for rewards in Heaven (since Ifm already saved

Being hungry the whole time, we went to Old Navy where again we spent waiting there (at least it was practice for a fast) being hungry. I tried a new beanie (toque) look as having it at the back of my head and it looked good.

Then we went to McDonalds, but then went to Kentucky to eat chicken. It was good and Ifm glad that I ate slow with my sister, since my parents are always in a rush and eating quickly all the time.

Philippians 4:6, Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

There, instead of putting on my façade of happy and saying puns all the time, I just stayed quiet and looking serious, even though thatfs when Ifm my most relaxed happy. My sister noticed this and asked me why I was so quiet and I replied gIf I werenft here, Ifd be like this. I wanted to be alone not because I donft like being around you guys, but because I donft want you guys to feel alone around me. Ifm not lonely, I donft want to feel lonelyh. As dramatic as that sounds, what I really said was gIfm tiredh, but that phrase before states the general jiste of what I was talking about.

There, my mom really wanted me to go back to my Youtube channel and do some more projects. Shefs really seems inclined and using me to make money, but being an INFJ and Christian I donft care about money or any physical thing. Thatfs why, Ifm just going to stick talking about the Bible. My reward for that project is here, but my reward for this project is in Heaven. Blessed is the name of the Lord, how His mercy extends to all bounds of us, abounding in the work of Christ only through His Holy Spirit within us!

1 Corinthians 15:58, Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.

2 Corinthians 9:8, And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed;

When I got upstairs and tried to rest my aching and tired head. I just hold unto the Word of God for support. I trust no one, but the Word of God.

Job 10:1-5 My soul is weary of my life; I will leave my complaint upon myself; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say unto God, Do not condemn me; shew me wherefore thou contendest with me. Is it good unto thee that thou shouldest oppress, that thou shouldest despise the work of thine hands, and shine upon the counsel of the wicked? Hast thou eyes of flesh? or seest thou as man seeth? Are thy days as the days of man? are thy years as man's days,

Psalms 118:8 - [It is] better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.

Micah 7:5 - Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom.

Jeremiah 17:5 - Thus saith the LORD; Cursed [be] the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD.

Psalms 118:8 [It is] better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.


I hate my life and Ifm not ashamed to commit, but every day since this school year has started Ifve wanted to kill myself. In fact, Ifve wanted to kill myself more now that Ifm saved than ever before in my life because now I no longer have an excuse to fear life. I love death and I want to embrace death and die. Thatfs the truth. Ifve told my family that, but they want me to stay around (for obvious reasons). This isnft some suicide note or something, Ifm staying around, no matter what, even if I donft like it. More rewards in the eternity of Heaven yoo!!! [Future Song, Ifm in a better place, but I still live for the purpose of spreading the Gospel, my friends :) ]

1 Corinthians 2:9, But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

Galatians 6:9, And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

Colossians 3:23-24, And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.

Right now, Ifm just in my doubts as usual. I want to get through this and to be able to go through my days without ever thinking about this stuff. Itfs this love-hate thing with Theology. I love it when the theology points to my own foundation of faith (faith alone saves, if saved always saved), but hate it when it points to other peoplefs foundations of faith (faith and works save, you can lose salvation). It hurts me in the inside and causes my heart to weep, not even by looking at the arguments of what these other people say, but just knowing that they exist and that they have just as large of or a even larger amount of supporters that have dedicated their lives towards that same cause. If I was born somewhere else, would I believe those things too?

Revelation 7:9, After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands;

But then I examine the Word of God, not trusting in the lies of men. I examine how these people respond, angrily and self-righteously and how what they say contradicts the very biblical definition of what is a gift in the Gift of Eternal Life offered freely by God through His only begotten Son Jesus Christ to the world. Paradoxically, I can have faith and doubt. The only thing that Ifm certain about is that Ifll always have doubt. Ifll have to get used to it so it becomes my new baseline of living, like how my baseline of living before I was saved was ignorance. Would this be for the better or the worst. Please, tell me, I wish to learn, to grow, to have an unshakeable faith and most of all; go to Heaven. Thatfs all I want, to be happy forever, to go to Heaven. [Thus, everyone will go to Heaven, as all have the desire for happiness]

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

(Theyfve got all the Faith Alone and Eternal Security doctrines right, so theyfre good to go! so thatfs always a nice touch!)