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Phil. 3:21 Jesus is "able even to subdue ALL THINGS to Himself."

 

Journal Entry 116 – Notice

January 10^th (Wednesday) 2018

Dangit, I noticed my breathing. How it’s so shallow and so stiff. It’s not as bad as the stuff before, since I’ve been reducing my anxiety, but it makes me wonder whether this is simply caused by my anxiety or something else entirely.

Dangit, 14 links. You know what, I’m strong. Strong enough to not believe in the superstition of not being able to breathe. I literally defeated the behemoth man made works salvation religion, I can handle this. For the sake of everyone suffering from something that’s worth, if I can’t enjoy my life now then how will I ever?

http://anxietyreliefsolutions.com/overcoming-concerns-about-breathing/

Everyone goes through this, the Lord is just testing me to make me stronger for the future. I’m not going to be upset that I took a nap and slept for 2 hours, who cares if that makes me sleep less or more, my cuddley blanket is comfy nevertheless. Who cares if I think about my breathing or sleep, it’s just thoughts. And they can’t hurt me. I’m stronger than them.

so much noise. because I’m tired of this miserable life. And if this miserable life doesn’t get any better, I might as well kill myself.

It’s good to be pretentious. Because seeing yourself as others means you carry yourself better than others, as if everyone is looking at you. The most important skill in life is the ability to fake confidence  know that whenever I walk around, I see people as weaker than me. “They have not suffered through the horrors I have, and if they have, they had not surmounted them as I have”.

I don’t care that sometimes I have difficulty breathing, or difficulty sleeping, or difficulty thinking even for a second without worrying. I want money for the sake of having it so others won’t have it. I’m not going to let some guy who lives a perfect and carefree and happy social life get a bunch of money, I’m going to take it all for myself. If I can’t enjoy life, then no one will.

Don’t hate me for that. That is simply the will of life and the will of my conditions that have been set forth before me. When life pushes me down more unfairly than others, than hell I am going to push down others to climb to the top. Even if there’s no benefit, just seeing the power I have is good enough for me.

I am strong.

Stronger than all

And if the Lord is on my side, then surely how can I lose? Because even when I die, I’ve already won.

…

That’s why I find great joy in seeing This is my life. A better life, a stronger life.

And all make me feel grateful to the strength which the Lord has granted to me in my favor. Because I could easily be one of them if it were not Christ’s will. God has a special plan with my life, and I won’t let him down. He foresees a future where I don’t kill myself, and with this knowledge, I won’t leave it to waste.

It breaks my heart, to see my whole family suffer. I will lift them up with me, I will be strong for them.

Lest their efforts be in vain

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Lest my efforts be in vain

my suffering over the break will not be in vain. I did not break my sanity for nothing homies.