Jesus Christ will save the whole world, everybody! Faith alone through grace.
Phil. 3:21 Jesus is "able even to subdue ALL THINGS to Himself."
Journal Entry 102 – U Blue
December 26th (Tuesday) 2017
Is all this pain I feel the punishment and reprimand for all my sins because there I was unconscious and just hadnft matured enough yet. It was my INFJ rage of not having enough alone time and always having to be picked up at a late time of 5:00 PM every day. Contributed me to being hard worker, though now I work hard to be able to play video games once more.
My mom says Ifll grow outta them, but Ifm tired of doing things to satisfy others. Ifm too altruistic, all this pain, while shaped me, is unnecessary now. Today is the day of my happiness, I need to show myself that it was the right decision not to kill myself.
This is where the actual text is today. Just because I did that yesterday, doesnft mean I wonft update a bit today, since Ifve discovered new things.
Remember how I used to always obsess over religion? That same obsession is taking an insomniac form, take a look.
Scrupulous Form (Religion)
Insomniac Form (Sleep)
Am I saved?
Will I sleep?
Am I going to Heaven?
What type of lights at day affect my circadian rhythm to where Ifm not able to sleep at night?
Will I go to Hell for all eternity?
Will I ever sleep again?
Is sola fida (faith alone) correct?
Did I do enough work today to get tired enough to fall asleep today?
Is Lordship Salvation correct?
How tired do I have to be to be able to be tired enough to fall asleep easily?
Can a believer lose salvation? (Non-eternal security).
What if my sleep problems only get worse, like how they were before?
Once Saved Always Saved?
What if this sleeping problem is chronic, where Ifll never be able to live a normal life and will have to deal with this until the day I die?
[The truth is faith alone in Jesus Christ saves. Once you are saved, you have your salvation permanently. Eventually, all people will have faith alone in Jesus Christ and be saved and all people will go to Heaven]
Seesh, even typing that was stressful, not so much the insomniac form, but the scrupulous form, made me remember it. So, it seems to be that this problem is moreso with my brain itself and not the way I think, since no matter what I hold gnear-and-dear to meh itfs always going to become obsessive.
Of course, it isnft as bad as what it was in itfs scrupulous form, but maybe thatfs a little biased to say, due to the fact that I have a bunch of biologically reducing anxiety strats like tea, meditation, etc. If this is the power of something that can biologically reduce anxiety, then imagine the power of something that can biologically reduce onefs OCD. Herefs that product if youfre interested like I am. (But hopefully not obsessed over at the same time).
But enough reading this, itfs getting me stressed and Ifm running low on tea. Not like I can do anything anyways, since the doctor is still out, but know this. Next semester, when I actually have free time, Ifm dedicating all my time to treating this OCD. This chemical imbalance. I donft care how much times the doctor is going to reject me, Ifm not going to let this take 8 years to diagnose, Ifm getting it diagnosed now. Now, letfs relax. Screw man-made religion. Screw insomnia.
Whatfs my purpose in life? To simply be happy, because when Ifm happy, God is happy.
Because who cares about rewards in Heaven, Ifm just grateful that Ifm saved and going to Heaven to begin with. Because even without rewards in Heaven, Ifll still be eternally happy. Amen.
God only wants us to live life, thatfs the only thing that gives glory to God, itfs why God gave us life. Loving others as ourselves, thatfs the point of life. I love others enough not to annoy them with annoying and pointless altruism and love myself not to stress out over that same thing. Because if it annoys me, then it will annoy them, because we are all equal. Amen.
Dangit, now Ifm obsessing over giving money to people and what not. Screw that, Ifll just save my money
So really, like the Lord said, Ifd only give money local, to like my family or something. Love your neighbor,
Ok, screw that website, Ifm getting stressed and worried and anxious again about all this CHARITY!!!
Well, I guess I might as well give all I can, of course that would be after I make my life comfortable (hot water all the time on shower, lots of tea, aroma therapy, healthy vegetables). And videogames arenft that expensive anyways, theyfre very cheap. Plus, Ifll get more money from the Lord.
So you know what, Ifll give the rest that I have, more than just 10% but as much as I want to give. All I want in life is to be happy, not money, so letting go of money will help me ease that burden. Donft want to make my sufferings in vain after all, Ifm like the perfect money giver for the Lord.
Herefs the plan.
I give away lots of money from the Lord to Christian causes and what not.
The Lord gives me more money to give away.
I give away even more money.
Ifm like the transaction member of the Church body. God canft just magically poof in money for these people, He needs a tool to support them with. I am that tool, not doing out of rewards, but because of love and happiness in being of the Lord. Amen. I donft need a big house, I just want big happiness. Ifll spend my money on a high quality house, but not a big one. I donft need a big one lol, just minimalistic life.
Thatfs it you Ifm using that last of my power that my mouse has to type this complaint, because
Ifm watching some Code Geass (Episode 21 or 20 something with the Zero Black Knight mecha) when all of a sudden,
Why is it that the moment that Ifve run out of tea, or have no time to meditate, or am stressed with a huge project, all while conveniently being taunted during Christmas where I have the
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED???????!!!!!!!
IS THIS MY LIFE!!!!???????
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE HAPPY?!?!?!?!?!?!
WHY COULDNfT I HAVE BEEN BORN AN EXTROVERT, OR IN A DECENT FAMILY, OR MAYBE THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE. WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO BE THE 1%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But you know what.
Ifm using that to my advantage.
Help me Lord. Please. I donft want to be this way, but at the same time, the road you are shoving down my throat, constant ministry and evangelism. I donft want that life. I hate that life. If I had that life I would most likely kill myself just to get out of that life, thatfs how much I hate that life. But what are you doing Lord.
I donft want to evangelize, I donft want to ministry, I donft want to volunteer. Canft I just tithe? Canft I just give money and you can be happy?
Please Lord Ifm begging you.
Why do you hate me?
I know you love me, but it seems like you really hate me now.
And I hate that feeling I put unto myself.
Because all I want to do now, is to take vengeance, to release this anger on something? But on what? More household objects, more pointless screaming of expletives and curses into the air, more running down the halls? Whatfs the point.
I just want to be happy.
Thatfs all I want.
So then why is it so hard to get that?
Who knew that a single word could be this much of a hassle to comprehend.
Because it doesnft seem like happiness is a state, but rather a plot device.
Something that starts something, but never finishes it.
I know thatfs not you Lord, but it seems like it right now.
Ironically, the one thing you arenft finishing is my life.
I donft care about your plan in my life Lord if it involves something I donft want to do.
I wonft do it.
On paper, it seems so easy to do it, but in actions. Oh boy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to relax.
I just want to play videogames.
I just want to watch anime.
I just want to be normalc
Is that too much to ask at this point?
Am I really predestined to suffer this abominable fate?
Because whatfs the point anymore.
Anytime Ifm happy, itfs stripped away from me like molten wax. Sure, it feels nice and warm when itfs loving me, but how can I continue to feel happy during those times when itfs the same substance thatfs used to painful tear of every shred of my skin every day? How can I learn to love someone like that.
Ifm so stressed, I just want to kill myself.
I want to die.
Kill me kill me kill me now.
I want to be
I want this thing
To just go away.
Ifm tired of stressing about evangelism.
And all of these meaningless things.
You know what.
Ifll just tithe, thatfs it, so good things on Earth can come to me.
I donft care about earning rewards in Heaven anymore.
The one thing I care about not.
Is just surviving through Earth, because thatfs really all that matters on Earth.
The Lord will continue to reward us in Heaven, because Hefs not like on of those glimited time offerh guys. He loves us no matter what happens to us.
Well, since my mouse isnft working. All I can really do is wait.
I donft know where the rechargeable cord is, heck where even the original packaging is because my house is so cluttered and my mom is so disorganized, just throwing stuff in random places. And my food is as cold as my heart right now, but thatfs ok.
I just, donft know.
Should I continue to think about this?
I donft want to, but not knowing the definite answer to this, I donft know.
Itfs these meaningless thoughts that stress me out.
And I hate them.
Sometimes I wish that I could never think at all.
That my brain could just go mute or I could forget about all of this religious stuff. Because this Christianity (religion not relationship) seems more like a chain on my neck than a friend to keep me company.
And I hate it.
I guess I can give away money.
I donft care about having a big house.
Or lots of possesions.
Or nice looking clothes.
I just want to be happy.
But Ifll always remember what my mother said.
That no matter what you give these churches, theyfll always say that itfs not enough and that you need to give more. First itfs 10%, then itfs beyond that and more and more until youfre broken and youfre homeless and youfre dead. And youfre life, and all the work you put into it, was pointless, because you were going to die broke poor and homeless no matter what job you got.+
I donft spend that much money.
Ifll give money, the rest I have anyways.
To what thoughc?
I guess really just to Gospel preaching missions, because what matters really is that they are saved.
I can still watch anime with this mouse I think, has a lil bit of power.
Donft need it to paly the video.
But itfs already 7:00 PM
And since I canft search sties online I donft know whether this is the right thing to do.
I have an idea.
I have a sum of money that I can just cheerfully give.
Meanwhile a bank investment in the bank that gives the money when I die or disappear.
Dangit, now flux activated after being turned off.
Warm though, but not good for watching.
Ifll just save my money for my family, Ifll just support my local family, thatfs all I care about.
I donft care if my future is uncertain about giving money, Ifm saving it in banks to give to my local family. Thatfs what God meant by it, cheerful giving. I will use all my energy to protect my neighbors, that is, the ones living close to me, my family.
Just play! Have fun and enjoy the game!
Ok, I realized that this is just another Bezlebub attack.