Jesus Christ will save the whole world, everybody! Faith alone through grace.

Phil. 3:21 Jesus is "able even to subdue ALL THINGS to Himself."

 

Journal Entry 102 – U Blue

December 26^th (Tuesday) 2017

Is all this pain I feel the punishment and reprimand for all my sins because there I was unconscious and just hadn’t matured enough yet. It was my INFJ rage of not having enough alone time and always having to be picked up at a late time of 5:00 PM every day. Contributed me to being hard worker, though now I work hard to be able to play video games once more.

My mom says I’ll grow outta them, but I’m tired of doing things to satisfy others. I’m too altruistic, all this pain, while shaped me, is unnecessary now. Today is the day of my happiness, I need to show myself that it was the right decision not to kill myself.

This is where the actual text is today. Just because I did that yesterday, doesn’t mean I won’t update a bit today, since I’ve discovered new things.

Remember how I used to always obsess over religion? That same obsession is taking an insomniac form, take a look.

Scrupulous Form (Religion)	Insomniac Form (Sleep)
Am I saved?	Will I sleep?
Am I going to Heaven?	What type of lights at day affect my circadian rhythm to where I’m not able to sleep at night?
Will I go to Hell for all eternity?	Will I ever sleep again?
Is sola fida (faith alone) correct?	Did I do enough work today to get tired enough to fall asleep today?
Is Lordship Salvation correct?	How tired do I have to be to be able to be tired enough to fall asleep easily?
Can a believer lose salvation? (Non-eternal security).	What if my sleep problems only get worse, like how they were before?
Once Saved Always Saved?	What if this sleeping problem is chronic, where I’ll never be able to live a normal life and will have to deal with this until the day I die?

 

[The truth is faith alone in Jesus Christ saves. Once you are saved, you have your salvation permanently. Eventually, all people will have faith alone in Jesus Christ and be saved and all people will go to Heaven]

Seesh, even typing that was stressful, not so much the insomniac form, but the scrupulous form, made me remember it. So, it seems to be that this problem is moreso with my brain itself and not the way I think, since no matter what I hold “near-and-dear to me” it’s always going to become obsessive.

Of course, it isn’t as bad as what it was in it’s scrupulous form, but maybe that’s a little biased to say, due to the fact that I have a bunch of biologically reducing anxiety strats like tea, meditation, etc. If this is the power of something that can biologically reduce anxiety, then imagine the power of something that can biologically reduce one’s OCD. Here’s that product if you’re interested like I am. (But hopefully not obsessed over at the same time).

But enough reading this, it’s getting me stressed and I’m running low on tea. Not like I can do anything anyways, since the doctor is still out, but know this. Next semester, when I actually have free time, I’m dedicating all my time to treating this OCD. This chemical imbalance. I don’t care how much times the doctor is going to reject me, I’m not going to let this take 8 years to diagnose, I’m getting it diagnosed now. Now, let’s relax. Screw man-made religion. Screw insomnia.

What’s my purpose in life? To simply be happy, because when I’m happy, God is happy.

Because who cares about rewards in Heaven, I’m just grateful that I’m saved and going to Heaven to begin with. Because even without rewards in Heaven, I’ll still be eternally happy. Amen.

God only wants us to live life, that’s the only thing that gives glory to God, it’s why God gave us life. Loving others as ourselves, that’s the point of life. I love others enough not to annoy them with annoying and pointless altruism and love myself not to stress out over that same thing. Because if it annoys me, then it will annoy them, because we are all equal. Amen.

Dangit, now I’m obsessing over giving money to people and what not. Screw that, I’ll just save my money

https://www.thesimpledollar.com/guilt-and-charitable-giving/

So really, like the Lord said, I’d only give money local, to like my family or something. Love your neighbor,

http://www.chicagonow.com/hippy-shakes/2015/05/the-guilt-of-not-giving-to-the-homeless/

http://www.pretendtobepoor.com/ten-percent/

Ok, screw that website, I’m getting stressed and worried and anxious again about all this CHARITY!!!

 

Well, I guess I might as well give all I can, of course that would be after I make my life comfortable (hot water all the time on shower, lots of tea, aroma therapy, healthy vegetables). And videogames aren’t that expensive anyways, they’re very cheap. Plus, I’ll get more money from the Lord.

So you know what, I’ll give the rest that I have, more than just 10% but as much as I want to give. All I want in life is to be happy, not money, so letting go of money will help me ease that burden. Don’t want to make my sufferings in vain after all, I’m like the perfect money giver for the Lord.

Here’s the plan.

I give away lots of money from the Lord to Christian causes and what not.

The Lord gives me more money to give away.

I give away even more money.

I’m like the transaction member of the Church body. God can’t just magically poof in money for these people, He needs a tool to support them with. I am that tool, not doing out of rewards, but because of love and happiness in being of the Lord. Amen. I don’t need a big house, I just want big happiness. I’ll spend my money on a high quality house, but not a big one. I don’t need a big one lol, just minimalistic life.

https://learn.compactappliance.com/minimalist-living-makes-you-happy/

So, whatever the Lord gives me in return of giving is fine. If it’s not happiness, than it’s health, if not then money, or less stress, or fulfilling experiences or anything else.

 

That’s it you I’m using that last of my power that my mouse has to type this complaint, because

I’m watching some Code Geass (Episode 21 or 20 something with the Zero Black Knight mecha) when all of a sudden,

Why?

Why is it that the moment that I’ve run out of tea, or have no time to meditate, or am stressed with a huge project, all while conveniently being taunted during Christmas where I have the

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED???????!!!!!!!

IS THIS MY LIFE!!!!???????

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE HAPPY?!?!?!?!?!?!

WHY

TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY COULDN’T I HAVE BEEN BORN AN EXTROVERT, OR IN A DECENT FAMILY, OR MAYBE THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE. WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO BE THE 1%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But you know what.

I’m using that to my advantage.

Help me Lord. Please. I don’t want to be this way, but at the same time, the road you are shoving down my throat, constant ministry and evangelism. I don’t want that life. I hate that life. If I had that life I would most likely kill myself just to get out of that life, that’s how much I hate that life. But what are you doing Lord.

I don’t want to evangelize, I don’t want to ministry, I don’t want to volunteer. Can’t I just tithe? Can’t I just give money and you can be happy?

Please Lord I’m begging you.

Why do you hate me?

I know you love me, but it seems like you really hate me now.

And I hate that feeling I put unto myself.

Because all I want to do now, is to take vengeance, to release this anger on something? But on what? More household objects, more pointless screaming of expletives and curses into the air, more running down the halls? What’s the point.

I just want to be happy.

That’s all I want.

…

So then why is it so hard to get that?

…

Who knew that a single word could be this much of a hassle to comprehend.

Because it doesn’t seem like happiness is a state, but rather a plot device.

Something that starts something, but never finishes it.

I know that’s not you Lord, but it seems like it right now.

Ironically, the one thing you aren’t finishing is my life.

I don’t care about your plan in my life Lord if it involves something I don’t want to do.

I won’t do it.

On paper, it seems so easy to do it, but in actions. Oh boy.

I just want to be happy.

I just want to relax.

I just want to play videogames.

I just want to watch anime.

I just want to be normal…

…

Is that too much to ask at this point?

Am I really predestined to suffer this abominable fate?

…

Because what’s the point anymore.

Anytime I’m happy, it’s stripped away from me like molten wax. Sure, it feels nice and warm when it’s loving me, but how can I continue to feel happy during those times when it’s the same substance that’s used to painful tear of every shred of my skin every day? How can I learn to love someone like that.

I’m so stressed, I just want to kill myself.

I want to die.

Kill me kill me kill me now.

Please.

I want to be

I want this thing

These feelings,

To just go away.

Please.

…

I’m tired of stressing about evangelism.

And tithing.

And volunteering.

And insomnia.

And all of these meaningless things.

…

You know what.

I’ll just tithe, that’s it, so good things on Earth can come to me.

I don’t care about earning rewards in Heaven anymore.

The one thing I care about not.

Is just surviving through Earth, because that’s really all that matters on Earth.

The Lord will continue to reward us in Heaven, because He’s not like on of those “limited time offer” guys. He loves us no matter what happens to us.

…

Well, since my mouse isn’t working. All I can really do is wait.

I don’t know where the rechargeable cord is, heck where even the original packaging is because my house is so cluttered and my mom is so disorganized, just throwing stuff in random places. And my food is as cold as my heart right now, but that’s ok.

I just, don’t know.

Should I continue to think about this?

I don’t want to, but not knowing the definite answer to this, I don’t know.

See?

It’s these meaningless thoughts that stress me out.

And I hate them.

Sometimes I wish that I could never think at all.

That my brain could just go mute or I could forget about all of this religious stuff. Because this Christianity (religion not relationship) seems more like a chain on my neck than a friend to keep me company.

And I hate it.

…

Phew.

Now what.

…

I guess I can give away money.

I don’t care about having a big house.

Or lots of possesions.

Or nice looking clothes.

I just want to be happy.

That’s all.

…

But I’ll always remember what my mother said.

That no matter what you give these churches, they’ll always say that it’s not enough and that you need to give more. First it’s 10%, then it’s beyond that and more and more until you’re broken and you’re homeless and you’re dead. And you’re life, and all the work you put into it, was pointless, because you were going to die broke poor and homeless no matter what job you got.+

….

No

I don’t spend that much money.

I’ll give money, the rest I have anyways.

To what though…?

I guess really just to Gospel preaching missions, because what matters really is that they are saved.

I can still watch anime with this mouse I think, has a lil bit of power.

Don’t need it to paly the video.

But it’s already 7:00 PM

And since I can’t search sties online I don’t know whether this is the right thing to do.

I have an idea.

I have a sum of money that I can just cheerfully give.

Meanwhile a bank investment in the bank that gives the money when I die or disappear.

No.

Dangit, now flux activated after being turned off.

Warm though, but not good for watching.

I’ll just save my money for my family, I’ll just support my local family, that’s all I care about.

I don’t care if my future is uncertain about giving money, I’m saving it in banks to give to my  local family. That’s what God meant by it, cheerful giving. I will use all my energy to protect my neighbors, that is, the ones living close to me, my family.

Just play! Have fun and enjoy the game!

Ok, I realized that this is just another Bezlebub attack.